Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Why Can't Wrestling Be Cool?

When Hardy Was Cool
Does anyone remember the Attitude Era? Stone Cold Steve Austin? The Rock? DX? Or what about that other promotion we aren't supposed to really talk about anymore called WCW? Remember they had that thing called The New World Order! They also had Sting (when he was cool) and this monster known as Goldberg! There was also this cool Tag-Team called Kronik, they were like the next Legion Of Doom! Hell, what happened to those bad-ass Tag-Teams: Demolition, Powers Of Pain, The Road Warriors / Legion Of Doom??? They were the best, sure they couldn't out-wrestle Kurt Angle, but they were just monsters, they destroyed everyone and everything, and they were awesome!!!

There was also this tiny little indy promotion that everyone forgets because of the lame WWE and TNA rip offs... this promotion called ECW! I mean the real ECW run by Paul Heyman, not the WWE minor league version run by Tiffany, I don't mean EV2.0 in TNA (at least that one had the right wrestlers, just 10 years too late). 

But why were these things cool, and wrestling today is so far from being cool its embarrassing. When I was in high-school, which was during the Attitude Era, it was cool to tell people you watched wrestling. It was bad-ass, everyone wanted to watch it. Now its a PG, lame, boring, kids show that when you tell people you watch it they just laugh at you and make fun of you. Its a show to take your kids to again. This was what Vince did in the early 80s when he took over the company. It was successful with Hulk Hogan and the little kids loved it. But were mature older fans happy with the cartoon kids show? I can't really say, at the time I was one of those little kids lol. But I know as soon as I was over the age of 10 I lost interest in the show and stopped watching. 

Then one day in high school my friends were like hey you should watch wresting, its cool. Cool? I said. I used to watch it, and it was far from cool, that crap is for little kids. Not anymore! Is what they said. So I went home, I turned on the WWF and I saw Cactus Jack Pile-Drive HHH head first through a table onto the steel stage at the top of the ramp. I was shocked. Hulk Hogan never did that. 

Why is Zack Ryder on YouTube but not Raw?
The next day at school I couldn't wait to talk about it with my friends, it was cool, and everyone was proud to say they watched it. Only my friends were like, wait you watched the WWF? You need to watch this new one called WCW. What's that I said? They told me it was like the old WWF but way better. They said Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Ric Flair, were all there now and everyone else that was ever any good. So of course the following week I watched WCW Nitro instead. Man was I shocked. The NWO was just awesome! They were all like a gang, they had cool shirts, they were bad-ass. This group was not for little kids. It was all the same stars I remembered from when I was a kid, but they were all mature and cool now. They were Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, not cartoon characters named Razor Ramon and Diesel. They had hot girls, they limos, they had the merchandise, but it was more than that. They were just cool. (I'm sure they were everything the Four Horsemen were, some old fans will say that was the Horsemen of the 70s, but I disagree, even though I'm too young to know, I think the NWO was something new). 

Suddenly me and all my friends were walking around school acting like the guys in the NWO. I remember my new favourite wrestler was Scott Steiner. He had just turned Heel, joined the NWO, and turned on his own brother. Now he was with his side-kick Buff Bagwell and they always had hot girls around them, (Scott called them his freaks lol). So that was who I acted like (not a good idea lmao). My friend acted like Buff, we were too cool haha. 

Then the WWF had its moment. Bret Hart Screw Job. They were back on the map again. I had to watch. They now had the edgiest wrestler in Shawn Micheals, and the worst villain Vince. HHH stepped up and formed an NWO rip-off called DX with Shawn. Meanwhile, Vince picked the best Baby-Face in the company to be the new Bret and face him in the main event. That wrestler was Stone Cold Steve Austin. The glass shattered, Stone Cold exploded onto the scene. I remember my best friend came over all excited because he finally got a NWO t-shirt, and I laughed at him because I had an Austin 3:16 t-shirt, and that was the coolest now! 

Hot Divas?
Well that same friend would one up me. The next time I was hanging out at his place he was so excited because he was watching this old TV his sister had that only picked up random channels on its antenna (yes I'm that old lol). Anyways, that show was ECW!!! We turned it on just in time to see Taz drop the title to Mike Awesome! His power-bomb was good, but the one that stole the show was Rob Van Dam!!! His matches with Jerry Lynn became the must see event in the world of professional wrestling! In other words, FUCK WRESTLEMANIA AND STARCADE... WE WANT ECW!!!!

We were all so excited that ECW got a cable deal. At the same time, my parents got a satellite dish and we got all the PPVs at my house! Suddenly, I could watch ECW on cable, just like the WWF and WCW, and with the dish I could watch all 3 companies PPVs. Everyone wanted to come over to my house just to watch wrestling. It was cool, wrestling parties! 

Then a funny thing happened. Vince won the war. ECW went bankrupt and WCW was put up for sale and was sold to Vince. He now owned all the competition. And its funny, but I actually thought this was the best thing that ever could have happened. I thought the best company now owned all the wrestlers in the world, things could only get better right? 


Vince wasted all the talent, he basically destroyed all talent that was originally with his company. If you came from ECW you were a minor league indy wrestler and you were treated like a loser. If you were from WCW you were an over paid loser who never had a decent match. Those statements might be true, but even if they weren't that is how Vince portrayed them, in my opinion of course.

So in a very short matter of time, Goldberg had come and gone. So had Steiner, Buff, Mike Awesome, even Rob Van Dam. Why in the world would Vince buy Rob Van Dam and not make him the star of his company? Vince now had the NWO and DX but they never had a feud against each other, why not?? Can you imagine how epic that would have been! It started out cool, but it fizzled pretty quick.

Soon Hogan, Hall, Nash, Goldberg, Steiner, Raven, Rhino, Lance Storm, and even Rob Van Dam were all out of the WWF, which was now known as the WWE. None of them every main evented Wrestlemania. Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg at Wrestlemania 20 was the biggest match they ever put together, and it kind of flopped. 

Speaking of Brock Lesnar, that was probably about the very last cool thing in the world of wrestling. He was a monster, he destroyed everyone and everything... kind of like those Tag-Teams I mentioned earlier. He was better than Goldberg as a monster, and he was more bad-ass than Stone Cold... or was he? He never talked, so he had no charisma, he had no submission moves, and the only time he tried a high risk move off the top rope he almost ended his career at Wrestlemania 19. Still, the fans were behind him, he was the real deal. We thought he was our Next Big Thing! But then he quit. He went to play football, then to wrestle in Japan, and after all the WWE Lawsuits, he wound up in the UFC where he finally earned fame outside of the WWE. But it was all nothing compared to the star status he would have had if he had stayed. He would have been Steve Austin and Bill Goldberg combined, he would have been bigger than Triple H or The Rock. And if he had stayed we never would have put up with John Cena. But that's what happened!

Wrestlers having sex in the ring lol
When Brock quit, he was the last chance for wrestling to stay cool. When he left, Goldberg left, the others were gone, and the Champions were Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero. I'm not Kevin Nash, and I'm not going to knock either of them. All I'm going to say is that both of their careers ended tragically, and I don't think wrestling recovered from that. Since then the WWE has tried to be as clean cut and as boring and safe as possible. Its almost as if anything tried to become edgy or cool they got rid of it.

John Cena was being groomed to take over Brock Lesnar's spot on Smackdown. The WWE Championship had been held by JBL all year as a build up to pass the torch to the next top guy. The guy they chose was clean cut, as boring as vanilla ice cream, John Cena. Meanwhile, on Raw, Triple H was grooming Batista to take over as the next monster of the WWE. I was behind the whole Batista thing, and didn't give a shit about Smackdown. I was happy to just stop watching Smackdown. But this means that I went from watching: ECW, WCW Nitro, WCW Thunder, WWF Raw, WWF Smackdown... to only watching WWE Raw. It was a big drop off. 

And suddenly nobody would watch wrestling with me! That was the biggest shock of all. I couldn't accept that wrestling was no longer cool. I tried to get people to watch it with me again. Friends wouldn't come over for PPV parties anymore, nobody would even watch Raw with me. They all said it was boring, it was stupid, and I couldn't really argue with them anymore. I started to give up. And when Batista finally won the belt and Wrestlemania I thought things would get better, but that's when the WWE decided to fuck us all! 

The WWE sent Batista to Smackdown and brought Cena to Raw. They made Cena their top guy. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. I thought Smackdown was the lame show for losers, but Raw was still cool. Now they had flipped things and I was so upset. I was so upset, I actually stopped watching!

When Cena was on top I wasn't a fan anymore. I didn't watch. For a whole year I never watched any wrestling at all. Not one show. Not one PPV. Not one Raw or Smackdown. Nothing. 

I heard about a PPV called No Mercy, and apparently Cena had been stripped of the title due to an injury, and Randy Orton had been awarded the title. Of course Cena wouldn't drop the title, instead it had to be awarded to Orton. I guess Cena was pulling a Shawn Michaels bullshit I lost my smile. I know, he was injured right. Bullshit. He was injured because he wrestled forever, and never gave up the belt. It took an injury to get that belt off him. Maybe he should have given someone else a turn and he might not have had to drop the title like a loser. But in the end, the fans got the greatest PPV in years. Randy vs Triple H, and Triple H wins the title. Then Triple H vs Umaga, Triple H keeps his title. Then, and this is all on the same PPV, Triple H vs Randy Orton in a rematch on the very same night. This time, Randy wins and regains the WWE Championship. One PPV, Three WWE Championship Matches, with two title changes! It was epic. I bought the DVD just to watch it, I had to see it!

I wasn't back, but I was starting to pay attention. I was excited when Edge cashed in his Money In The Bank contract on Cena after he was in an Elimination Chamber match. I didn't see it but I heard about it. Anyways I tried to come back to see Edge as Champion, but he didn't hold the title for long. 

Then it happened. Rob Van Dam vs John Cena at ECW One Night Stand. This was the night wrestling was going to become cool again. ECW was back, and not just for one night, but there was a new ECW show on cable TV again. And now Rob Van Dam was ECW and WWE Champion. I could picture it, every Monday Night Raw, Rob Van Dam would defend his WWE Championship. Then every week on ECW, Rob Van Dam would defend his ECW Championship. The first guy in history to hold both belts at the same time, and he would wrestle for each company at the same time. It would be epic. 

It wasn't. A week later RVD got pulled over with Sabu, busted with weed. WWE stripped him of both titles, suspended him, he left the company. It was all over. 

So Vince bought out all the competition. Then he ruined every good wrestler and group in any other promotion. At the same time he lost all his own decent wrestlers and groups. The NWO was gone. DX was gone. Even when he brought back DX they were now the watered down PG version. HBK was a born again Christian. Triple H was married to the boss' daughter. Wow they are bad-ass rebels just like they used to be right?? 

Only the WWE would sing Hulk Hogan and the entire NWO, and immediately break them up and turn Hulk into Mr. America lmao. They brought HBK back as the new leader of the NWO, and that would have been great. Hell bring in Triple H to replace the original Triple H... Hollywood Hulk Hogan lol. But they didn't do it. They ruined it. No NWO, a shitty version of DX, no decent wrestlers. A company that once owned Brock Lesnar and Goldberg, now had Champions like John Cena and JBL. 

What do they have today? Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Santino Marrella, and of course, still John Cena!

What about the others? Where is Hulk Hogan? Running TNA. Where is Rob Van Dam? Wasting away in TNA. Where is Batista? Making shitty movies. Where is Goldberg? Who knows lol. 

Randy Orton was cool, so they keep suspending him. CM Punk was cool and should have been an ECW star, but they got rid of ECW and for the longest time were wasting him too. But then he dropped a pipe bomb and said a lot of similar things to what I'm saying. Suddenly everyone took notice. Meanwhile, this new guy named Zack Ryder was becoming the coolest thing on the internet. They won some Championships and I thought things were on the way up. But then they started ruining it. Ryder dropped the belt. Punk started getting lame. They even brought Brock Lesnar back, but they sure aren't making it cool. 

I thought Rated RKO was cool. I thought RVD was the best. I even started to like Jeff Hardy, but what happened to all that. Hell Mr. Kennedy was becoming cool and they fired him. Kurt Angle was a wrestling machine and they let TNA steal him away. 

Face it, the WWE doesn't give a shit about its fans or the wrestlers. They let the best stars leave. They don't give the fans what they want. Hell they don't even give the wrestlers what they want.  

Nitro Girls
CM Punk wants to work with Paul Heymen, but the WWE won't let them. Kevin Nash joked about CM Punk bringing back the NWO and everyone got excited for nothing like always. But why can't it ever really happen? Why can't they just do what the fans want? Its a business right, but isn't something that's cool that people aren't embarrassed to say they watch going to be better for business? Vince stopped carrying about wrestling the day he won the war. When he took over ECW and WCW he stopped caring. He started a football league, it failed. Then he tried a movie company, they all sucked and failed. Now he is trying a Network, but its already failing. And of course, his wife is trying to be a politician, which is being revealed as the main reason everything has went to shit. You wouldn't think it mattered, but that is the main reason everything went PG and boring. I mean it started happening first. Vince clearly wants a cartoon kids show again. But now that his wife is running for congress he has to make the show proper. Why do you think they are running anti bullying campaign and all that crap. To see like they are doing good, giving something back, setting a good example for kids.

What do you think would happen if young wrestlers were running around with hot half naked girls? What if they were using tables, ladders, chairs? What if they were flying off the top of a cell? What if there was blood everywhere? What if the guys were running around telling girls to suck it? Remember when Vince made Trish Stratus strip and bark like a dog? What would happen in the press if he did that today? Back then he could do whatever he wanted and he didn't care what people thought. Now he is trying to be liked by everyone. Well great fucking job. 5 year old kids, and their moms watching wrestling now! But I don't think I can keep doing it. I'm sorry but I can't. 

I could make a list of 100 cool things I would like to see happen in wrestling today. But can you guess how many of them will ever happen? ZERO! Because they never do anything that any of us want to see. We have to suffer through garbage all the time, waiting for that moment when it doesn't suck as bad. 

Name the top 10 highlights of the past year in the WWE. Now after you finish listing the Raw 1000 when the attitude era guys came back. Oh and after you finish listing the return of Brock Lesnar and everything he's done. Now what do you have left? Wait, let me guess, when CM Punk won the belt at Money In The Bank in Chicago. But what else? How about when Zack Ryder won the United States Championship! Ok now that those are out of the way, what else? 

Was it Kofi Kingston and R-Truth as Tag-Team Champions? What about when Kofi was with Evan Bourne? Don't you just love Little Jimmy? How about Santino Marella as United States Champion? Or Christan as Intercontinental Champion? Sheamus' run as World Champion? What about when Alberto Del Rio was WWE Champion instead of CM Punk? Oh we all try to forget that month lmao. 

Here is a crazy idea, but bare with me... this is the perfect time for something huge. Think of it this way, the WWE is basically a stock that is at an all time low. So anything that is different would be huge. But what if you made it epic! What if you took every single moderately cool wrestler around today that the fans even remotely cared about, and put them all in one big group. And what the hell, lets just call it the NWO. Then you have them go around beating up all the lame wrestlers no one cares about anymore.

CM Punk, Randy Orton, Dolph Ziggler, The Miz, Cody Rhodes, Zack Ryder, Ryback, these are about the only cool wrestlers left in the WWE. So throw them together, and have them wear NWO shirts. All Championships would be held by them. They would start having real hardcore extreme matches again. Tables, ladders, and chairs oh my lol. Maybe have some hot girls again! 

Let Paul Heyman run this group. Put Brock Lesnar in that group. Hell start opening your wallet Vince and bring back the stars you lost. Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, and Rob Van Dam. While your at it, take out 2 blank cheques and hand them to AJ Styles and Sting, say stop being a bitches and come work for the WWE already. Then add them to this group. Eventually, all those lame losers than aren't cool enough will start falling down the standings and pretty soon they won't be on the show or needed in the company anymore. Guys like Alberto Del Rio and John Cena wouldn't be in the main event, or even on the show. 

Here are my tips for making it better:
1. Less is more, instead of like 50 hours of wrestling a week, focus on making one good hour. 
2. Shorter Championship Reigns! 
3. More Title Changes (these kind of go together).
4. More edgy, more realistic, show blood again, forget the PG shit for kids. 
5. Bring back the legends! 

Just imagine this... so the main event of SummerSlam, triple threat, Cena, Punk, and Big Show for the WWE Championship... what if in the end Punk and Show turn on Cena and give him the beating of his life. After they leave him laying in the ring, Punk turns back, pulls a can of spray paint out from under the ring, and just walks over and spray paints the letters N... W... O... on Cena's back. Then does the Wolfpac little high-five thing with Big Show. 

Then in the main event, Brock vs Triple H... what if Kevin Nash helped Brock win the match. Or the Big Show. Or CM Punk. They all join forces with Paul Heyman leading them all. Brock would have taken out Triple H and HBK, so he would have taken out DX already. Now the NWO would be running the show. AJ would be fired as GM and Paul Heyman would take over. Things would get more extreme. 

They would start deciding which wrestlers joined the group or were ruined like every decent star Vince ruined. Obviously, they would pick the guys I listed before. 

Another thing, like I said about bringing back legends... why does a wrestler have to make a full time year long return? Why can't we have one decent match? Kevin Nash had an ok match with Triple H. Brock is working semi part time. Others could do that. And the legends that can't have a decent match anymore, give them other jobs. Why do we have non-wrestler announces etc? Everything used to be done by wrestlers, now they just put them out to the retirement home I guess? 

Put Piper at the announce table! Who would be a good partner for him? Jesse Ventura? Have Triple H run the company already. Make Kevin Nash his bodyguard. Its funny because that's how he started. 

Don't ever waste our time with bullshit characters. Like why was Johnny the GM? Why is AJ now? Why do they want the fans to suffer. They think if they give us bullshit for 11 months, that 1 month when they give us something that's just ok we will be so grateful? Fuck that. Give us what we want, give us the very best, or we stop watching! 

Homework time... make a list of your top 10 wrestlers in the world, now, then, whenever. Where are they now? Why aren't they in the WWE? If they are, why aren't they a Champion?

Now, write down your top 5 matches, what kind of match do you like? Tables, ladders, chairs? Cage, cell, chamber? Now write them down, and tell me, when was the last time you saw one of them? Better question, when was the last time you saw a good one? 

Last part, now just make a list of the most exciting things you could imagine, like a feud, a dream match, a storyline, anything. Put two guys together as a tag-team, make a couple, maybe Melina has returned, and she left John Morrison for The Miz, and now they are all feuding for the United States Championship in a Ladder match? I just made that up, just on the spot, random. Can you do better?

Top 10 Wrestlers
1 Rob Van Dam
2 AJ Styles
3 Jeff Hardy
4 CM Punk
5 Ryback
6 Dolph Ziggler
7 Zack Ryder
8 Daniel Bryan
9 Mr Anderson
10 Brock Lesnar

Match Types
1 Elimination Chamber
2 Hell In A Cell
3 Ladder
4 Table
5 Steal Cage

Crazy Ideas
1 Bring back the NWO as I mentioned.
2 Make a tag-team like Demolition, Road Warriors etc like I mentioned.
3 Sure, do the whole Miz Morrison story I just made up.
4 Bring back the legends as I mentioned.
5 Bring back the hot Divas, the ones from Playboy, bra and panties matches!

Post your ideas as comments on this article...

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